We are all recovering from something. Some wound, scar, trauma, sickness, brokenness. We all have a story of recovery behind the smile we wear so well. We are all battling something that seems greater than joy or peace.
Isn’t that reason enough to love one another? To respect one another? To protect one another? Isn’t that reason enough to encourage each other? I look at the people of this world and I think I’m not the only one carrying around burdens, struggling with my childhood, trying to make sense of this life I’ve been born into. Figuring out how to move forward when there are so many chains pulling me backward.
I know that you are out there and you feel like the whole world is against you. That not a single person can or does understand you, your scars, your nightmares. And maybe they don’t understand but that does not mean for even one second they don’t care. They care. I care. I know if we could we would wipe every tear, fight in every battle just to see you free from pain without hestitation. But love there are some roads we cannot walk on but that doesn’t mean we are not with you.
I’ve spent years of my life holding it in. Every tear, every scream, every hurt and it has held me back from living a full life. I didn’t know then help was out there, but I do now. And I want you to know help is out there. Love is out there. Redemption is out there. Healing is out there. Freedom is out there. There are people who will stand with you out there.
We can’t keep reliving what happened to us. We can’t keep being prisoners of what they did to us. Or what we did to ourselves because of them. It is the strongest kind of poison to think of what should have been. We have today to live beyond the pain. The anger. The sadness. The hate.
We have today and every tomorrow we get to replace every bad memory with a good one. To add color to all the parts of us they made blank. This is your life and you can live it. Freedom comes from letting go and choosing your present. Your future. Your beautiful story. They cannot hurt you anymore. They cannot break you anymore. You survived and you held on. You are strong and beautiful, and so very valuable.
It’s hard not to cry when I write about this, but these tears are hopeful ones for myself and for you. I do not want my life to be centered on what two men did to me when I was a child. That is not who I am. It is a part of my story, but it does not have to be in every page or chapter. I have to face what happened until it no longer overwhelms me. I have to deal with every wound I left to become a scar. I have to wake up every day and tell myself it wasn’t my fault until I believe in that truth. I have to make a choice to heal and start living beyond it.
I just kept thinking today what can I do? God, what can I do to make a difference in this world where my story is like so many other stories? I’m only one person in a world plagued with these monsters. I’ve been using that as an excuse to not even try. No more excuses. No more holding back.
I have a story, my story to tell. And I hope that when people read it they will find some hope to keep writing their own. To keep living with faith and joy. To fight for wholeness and peace. I don’t have fancy words or really anything special to offer you but I trust that my sincerity speaks volumes.
Let’s not let another year pass us by running away from the things that happened to us or are happening to us. Let’s not lie to ourselves that we are okay if we are anything but. Let’s deal with the trauma so that healing can begin and continue and grow into beautiful testimonies of being alive and going forward.
Sometimes I think of who I would be if I hadn’t been abused. Would I have been happier? Would I have loved myself better? Those questions hurt so much more than they help. I will never be able to change what they did to me. I cannot go back to my childhood and rescue myself from them. No matter how much I want to I cannot undo what they have done.
But I can be happy now. I can love myself the right way now. I can help myself now. I can ask for help now. I can tell my family now. I can speak up now. I can share my story and trust that those who need these words will find them.
You are not alone.
You are not dirty.
You are not worthless.
You are not garbage.
You are a not a single word they said to you.
You are not a single negative thought they made you believe.
You are not less of a human being because of the abuse.
They have not won. They have not broken you.
They have no power over you. They never really did.
The present and the future belong to you alone.
Don’t let them take another second of peace from you.
Be happy. Be whole. Be free. Take what they made into darkness and remake it into light. Use your story to help someone heal. We can make something beautiful out of such ugliness. I believe we can shine lights so bright that the darkness diminishes. Just choosing to let go and live your life is a beacon of hope you beam into this world. And I believe your story matters and has the ability to help someone see theirs does too.
If you need help ask for help. The right people will come and they will not judge you or make you feel ashamed. It’s a journey; a hard, confusing, emotionally overwhelming journey of healing we are on but I believe that this journey is neccessary so we can live full lives. So we can fall in love. So we can let people in. So we can go after our dreams. But more than anything so we can love who we are.
I just wanted to say this today, and I am trusting that if you are reading this you know someone in this world cares about you and wants to see you become everything you have dreamed of becoming.
I believe in your story!
With so much love,