I’ve been in a bit of a funk these past few days. I’m a moody person by nature. Always feeling different. Like a piece of me is flying through the skies while the rest of me stays behind. A dreamer lost in the maze of thoughts that create my mind. Here but not really here. Always searching. Always wondering. Never at peace. Never at home anywhere I go.
I try. I try to create a place where I feel like I can find sanctuary there, but no matter what I do nowhere ever feels like home. Nowhere ever feels like the place I should be in. I can decorate, fill it will color and happiness but it never lasts. A temporary refuge to a permanent sense of not belonging. Never finding a place that feels the way I want home to feel. A place with a lot of laughter, a lot of warmth, an overwhelming place of happiness and safety.
The kind of home I’ve dreamed of, but what really made it home was the people who filled the rooms with their touch, laughter, happiness. A home with just me will never be the home I’ve been looking for. I wonder if I’ll ever have that. A home that feels like it’s been waiting for me all along. Filled with people who’ve been searching for me like I’ve searched for them. A place that feels like everything a home should be. Warm. Safe. Happy. Open minded. With family and friends surrounding me.
I dream of that. Of having a home. It seems like I never really got to feel what it means to have that. Having a room, having people, doesn’t make a home a home. It’s all the love, the memories, the smiles, the warmth that makes home real. Makes that feeling a tangible entity in our lives. I need that. I need a real home. A place I can rest my weary soul and know that I will find peace and comfort there.
For me home has always been my mother, but as I get older I want to create the home I never got in my childhood. I’ve never cared about a place. I’ve just wanted that feeling of home. A place I look forward to going to after a long day. A place of joy, of peace, of sanctuary. A place of love. A whole lot of it. I’d like to create a home like that and fill it with people. I’d like to find a piece of home wherever I go and take all those pieces and make it into my home. A home that is a collage of all those beautiful pieces filled with flavor, color, and warmth. A home where no one feels invisible.
I’d like that. I’d like to capture the feeling of home and sprinkle it into a place where all can come and find sanctuary from the storms of life. I’d like to create that safe haven for someone who needs it. I’d like to do that one day.
I’d call my home “The Lighthouse”…a place of warmth and light in the cold and dark moments of life. A place of refuge and hope.
My lighthouse. A home where we all belong.