A Confession…

I’m having a hard time. I’m hurting. I’m crying. I’m angry. I’m sad. I am so lost and scared. I’m falling into so many pieces I’m not sure I could find all the shattered parts of me. And I don’t know what I’m doing right or doing wrong.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to get this pain out of me. I want peace, joy, wholeness, but I am just miserable. Every single day my broken soul is what I wake up to. I am just surviving. It’s been a very long time since I’ve lived, if I ever lived at all.

Everything hurts. I’m holding on for the people who love me. Who need me. But somedays I just don’t want to hold on a second more. I’m tired, and nothing takes away my exhaustion with myself, with my past, with my life, with this world. And it’s so hard to function. So hard to smile and laugh and breathe when I am breaking over and over inside.

I don’t want to spend my life like this. I don’t want to wake up everyday wanting to crawl back into the darkness of sleep. I see no light. I feel no comfort. I am cold, and I am numb. I’m having a hard time, and it isn’t getting better.

I feel like my whole life I’ve been having a hard time. Why am I here? Why am I like this? Why won’t I change? Why won’t I heal? I’m crying so much and yet this pain is still in me. Why am I so weak? So easily wounded?

Have I always been like this? Is this all because of my father? How do I let light and truth overcome all the darkness and lies he poisoned me with? How do I heal? Move forward? Let go? Be free?

I don’t want to cry anymore. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I don’t want to feel disgusting anymore. I don’t want my story to be only about pain and sadness. Will I be able to create something beautiful from all this ugliness? I have no confidence or faith that I can, that I will.

Today the pain leaves me inside out, and over and over I find myself covered in bleeding wounds. I’m at a loss of what to do. I keep failing.

This is my confession; I’m having a hard time.

~~Acoustic Imagery~~

(Source: bealightinthedark.com)