From Me To You…

There is nothing stupid about you. Nothing too broken or too damaged to be restored or loved. There is nothing so dark, so scarred, so ugly inside of you that light cannot find its way inside.  That peace, joy, or wholeness cannot grow. There is nothing in your words, past, or thoughts that can make you unforgivable or unlovable.

What matters is not whether people accept you for who you are but rather do you accept you for who you are. And for who you are not.

Do you realize that you are not stupid? You are not ugly! You are not beyond repair or recovery or redemption! You are not a black hole of awfulness! You are not garbage! You are not leftovers! You are not invisible! You are never ever unlovable!

Realize that you are lovely? You are radiant! You are smart! You are lovable! You are forgivable! You are beautiful! You are brilliant! You are meaningful! You are magnificent! You are visible! You are needed! You are worthy! You are always loved.

This world needs you!

This world needs your presence. Your laughter. Your art. Your voice. Your smile. Your warmth. Your talents. Your story. Your light. Your hug. Your love. Your fire.

This world needs you!

You matter! Nothing and no one can lessen or take your value. And my dear you are oh so very valuable. You are a beloved treasure. You shine so brightly. 

Hang in there! Choose hope!

~~Acoustic Imagery~~

(Source: bealightinthedark.com)

Word Vomit…

It is amazing in a very toxic sort of wonder how the thoughts we think and even worse believe can be the paralyzing negativity that keeps us stuck in sadness, darkness, brokenness, hopelessness…

I am 25 years old. I’m not getting any younger, but I am most certainly getting older. And as I age all the walls, scars, bruises, anger, sadness, and the like from all the years before continue to be the prison guards in this fortress of misery I keep ending up in.

I am not happy. I am not sad. I am not content. I am not particularly discontent. I am filled with so much hunger for more. More than my past. More than my present. More than this ache inside of me that grows and dies over and over. I am starving for warmth and understanding. My mouth waters at the thought of a life beyond these gates. A life beyond this emptiness. A life beyond feeling lost in my own skin. Feeling trapped to repeat this cycle of pain again and again.

I want to breathe. I want my lungs to expand with the sweetness of joy. I want to be ravaged by laughter and love. I want to be safe and comfortable inside my body. I want to let go of the scars they cut into my soul. I want to move forward and never ever look behind me again. Are such things possible for me? I fear not, and yet I desperately hope so.

I wonder about the people who come here and read my words. I wonder if you realize I am no better than you. I am broken in many places. I am also healing in those many places. I’m a mess of emotions, scars, desires, and fears. I am searching. Searching for connection with myself, with God, with others. I am searching for peace and restoration over my childhood. Over the sadness and hurt and anger I feel over being molested. That kills me. It kills me that one person’s choice has shattered so many parts of me. And I am slowly finding those pieces and trying to see the light that still reflects in them.

I feel nauseous because I am so overwhelmed with thoughts, feelings, dreams, fears, hopes, doubts all the freaking time. I am soaked in thoughts. I am drenched in fears. I am still learning how to swim through the currents of my mind. There is no life jacket. There is no rescue boat. I am stuck in this ocean of me and I have to learn to swim or I will surely drown.

I’m not an easy person to love. I am an easy person to like, but not love. I am a lot of work. I carry burdens and nightmares that not many can understand or accept. I don’t really know what family looks like. I don’t really know what home feels like. I love the people who share the blood inside of my veins but we are broken. We have always been broken people who live together. I love them, but I don’t believe love is enough.

I’m moody. I feel everything too intensely. I’m so emotional. I care too much and so my heart bleeds often. That is who I am. I am learning to accept that. I tend to blame myself when things go wrong. I know now my past has a lot to do with that mentality. I blamed myself for what happened to me. And the silence became another wall I am still breaking through. I am OCD. I am very introverted. People exhaust me and yet I love them and would do anything in my power to help them lighten their load.

I struggle with balance. Balancing food, thoughts, feelings, relationships, time. I struggle with speaking the way I don’t with writing. It’s hard to be vulnerable before another person. I don’t trust people. I don’t know how to let them all the way in. I don’t even see the door. Another thing I am working on. I struggle with finding beauty in myself. I see the radiance of others so easily and yet when I look at myself there are so many shadows. It’s hard to see the light in me. It’s hard to believe I have such loveliness inside of me. I struggle with receiving love.

I’ve see what people who are supposed to love you do. I’ve seen love be used as an excuse to tear apart a person. To make them crumble in a heap of sorrow. I’ve experienced the betrayal of love. The person who should protect me is the one who destroys me. So I don’t know about this love. I don’t know how to trust that it won’t give me more scars.

And yet I believe that love can be good. Love can be safe. Love can heal. But I don’t know that good love can or will find me. All these hurts need to flood out of me before I can even hope for such things. It hurts. My heart hurts. It has hurt for so long, and still yet I don’t know quite how to soothe her. How to calm her. How to love her. Her beats are heavy with sorrow. I do not know how to lighten the load.

I don’t do the things I want to do because I am afraid of failing. I don’t know how to give myself the space to make mistakes. To screw up and be okay with the mess I make. I wish I’d grown up knowing mistakes are okay. Failures are okay. That beauty and wisdom comes from the disasters me make. I wish someone had shown me that I don’t need to be perfect. I just need to be honest.

The only thing I do is write because if I didn’t write I wouldn’t breathe and then I’d be dead. Writing is my way of letting it out. And even in the midst of these words I hesitate. I don’t want to hesitate anymore. I just want to do it. I just want to freely let it ALL out. I don’t want to think so much about every little freaking detail. Or how other people might feel. Or if I look stupid. Or that I’m not good enough. Or that it needs to be perfect. Or that I suck so I should just stay on the sidelines.

I want to say here I am. All of me. Here I am in all my madness and beauty. Stay or leave but I am still going to shine as me. Why won’t I let myself shine? Why won’t I let the screams, the words, the tears, the colors, the hopes, the fears, the dreams, the hurts pour out into my life, into my art? Why am I holding back? Why am I still in this fortress?

When I think of my life I wonder God is this how I will always be? Will I always search but never find? Will this heartache remain till I die? Will I never know the joy of good love? The sweetness of having someone I can trust? Will all the stories written in my skin and bones never be known? Will I die having never truly lived?

I don’t want a grand life. I don’t want my name to be known by everyone. I don’t want to be loved or even liked by all that know me. I just want honesty in my life. In my heart. In my relationships. With myself. In the art I create.

I don’t want to stay here. I need to find the will to break down every single wall around and inside of me and never look back.

I want to know that life and love don’t always cause fear. 

I want to know that it’s okay to screw up and fail.

I want to know that these tears will not always slide down my cheeks.

I want to know that hope and faith can destroy the fears and doubts crawling in my soul.

I want to know that scarred and shattered I am still beautiful and strong.

I want to know that even in the darkness and sadness joy can be seen.

I want to know that my past does not imprison who I am or will be.

I want to know that I am not going to hurt like this for the rest of my life.

I believe that it does get better. 

I believe that God restores the broken.

I believe that one day I will see the blessing in this sorrow.

I believe that my story will help someone write their own.

I believe that tomorrow is another day, another chance.

I believe that I will learn how to breathe again in my skin.

I believe that in the end good wins, hope restores, and love heals

And I believe that even now I am making a dent in those walls.

~~Acoustic Imagery~~

(Source: bealightinthedark.com)

Dear Me…

No one and nothing in this world gets to dictate your happiness. You decide what happiness looks like. Feels like. Sounds like. Only you have the right to decide what your happiness, joy, passion, dreams, hopes, desires, wishes, prayers… etc will be shaped as.

There is no human being on this earth who has the right to write your story for you. Who has the right to tell you what color your words should be inked in. Who has the right to tell you whether or not you are deserving of life, happiness, love, peace, wholeness, freedom, joy…

This is YOUR life. This YOUR ONLY LIFE. Do you understand that? Your life is a gift. A choice. A blessing. You have a purpose. You have meaning. You have value and substance and light. You matter. Your thoughts matter. Your pain matters. Your smile matters. Your aches and bruises and scars matter. There is not an inch of your flesh or your soul that doesn’t matter. Everything about you is meaningful, purposeful, and worth celebrating.

Get those voices out of your head that make you doubt yourself. Make you think you are not good enough, not talented enough, just not enough. Get those toxic thoughts out of your beautiful mind my love. Stop looking at other people and seeing everything you lack. Seeing everything you are not. Turn your focus on yourself. Look in the mirror and see the truth.

You are beautiful. Your words make a difference. The art and fire and empathy inside of you matters. Your smile lights up every place you walk into. Your love and your heart for people is probably the most beautiful aspect of who you are. Inside out my dear you are radiant. You shine. You sparkle. You exude a rainbow of color in the darkness and brokenness of life.

I know this past month has been brutal. You have been sick. Your body is really weak right now. And I know that is hard for you because you don’t know how to rest. You don’t know how to sit still. You don’t know how to be taken care of. To be comfortable with needing help. Let this month be a lesson you don’t have to learn again.

It’s okay. It’s okay for you to take a few days to rest. To let your body just breathe. It’s okay to take a step back from your responsibilities to take care of yourself. You, your health, your body, your state of mind is the greatest responsibility you have. Don’t let life or people get in the way of that. You can’t help anyone if you don’t help yourself. If you are not physically, emotionally, and mentally sound.

I know you feel like you let people down if you are not at your best. But sweetheart you don’t owe the world your best. You don’t owe people your best. You do what you can, when you can, how you can, and you rest when you need to.

Right now you need rest. You need solitude. You need to eat well, sleep well, breathe well, and think well. You are sick. You need to rest. You will collapse if you don’t deal with this now. Your immune system isn’t very good these days because you keep getting sick.

It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault that you got sick. It’s not your fault that your body is weak. It’s not your fault that you don’t feel well. It’s not your fault that you need rest. It’s not your fault. It is okay my love. It is okay. Life happens. Sickness happens. 

So take this time to be rejuvenated. Sleep a lot. Eat food that will nourish your body. Pour out your thoughts in your journal. Listen to music and just be. You are deserving of good health, wholeness, and strength.

Make the time to take care of yourself. And my love happiness is a choice. Happiness is your choice. Do not compare your journey or progress to another person. Move at your own pace. Shine in your own light. And live honestly as yourself.

You are magnificent.

I love you. Forever and always I have, I will, I do…

~~Acoustic Imagery~~

(Source: bealightinthedark.com)

Dear Sadness…

You’ve got to let me go. I don’t want to spend my life with you. I don’t want to spend another second in your company. You make me feel small. You make me feel worthless. You make me feel the loneliest I’ve ever been.

You and I don’t belong together no matter how many times you try to suggest otherwise. We don’t fit. We don’t flow. You and I are a toxic and miserable combination I don’t need or want to be a part of.

All these years you have been the constant companion in my story. You have dragged behind me like a shadow for so long you became normal. I expected you to always be around. But you don’t belong in my life. Let me go. Release me from your presence. I want to be free of the cuts and bruises your existence brings me.

You and I together are not special. Not normal. Not end game. I have danced with you for so long that my feet are covered in scars. The music you carry inside of you makes me numb. Makes me sick. Being with you means I am unhealthy. You offer no peace. No joy. No love.

Let go of my hand. Pull your arms from my skin. No longer will my soul bear the weight of you. You are not welcome in my body, mind, or heart. Joy is waiting for me. I want to dance with joy. Every wound you have given me I want joy to bandage me up.

I thought you were my friend growing up. I didn’t believe I could live a life free of you. I know better now. You are meant to only come once in awhile. You were never supposed to stay with me. I’m letting go of your hand. I held on to you too tightly.

I’m going to hold the hand of joy. I’m going to move forward. I’m going to be happy without you. I know there will be times when we meet again but I won’t let you stay with me for long. We don’t belong together. You are a moment that comes and goes and nothing more. I will not allow you to grow roots inside my soul again.

I will not miss you. I will not look for you. I will not expect your company anymore.

I choose joy…

Goodbye,

~~Acoustic Imagery~~

(Source: bealightinthedark.com)